I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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