How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
