the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i believe in u and ur pee
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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