Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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