This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think i have two assholes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
