a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
