my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
