I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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