I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
