you're like a bully in the Christmas story
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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