Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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