Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I am one with the molecules
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
