My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
