i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
