I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
