Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
