if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
