Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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