the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize