seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
