I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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