i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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