just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
