I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
