i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
