i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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