dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
