Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
