The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
