The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
