just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
