32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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