you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
