If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
