I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
two words: eviction party
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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