you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
