My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
