his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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