She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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