Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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