Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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