i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im six kinds of drunk right now
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
