apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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