I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
