Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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