Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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