So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
