my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
