First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize