I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
