i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He did a backflip because drugs
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