took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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