Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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