Your face is a jimmy john
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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