I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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