every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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