Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
