I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
