Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
