my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
