I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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