I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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