He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
