he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
