Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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