Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
