I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
