I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
