I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we're so committed to being not committed
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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