Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
