drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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