i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
